Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Dumb and Dummer

When did I become the woman my husband (for the record, number 1) never wanted?

It's a question I know the answer to and most often I don't even think about it anymore. His mother will tell me the same thing as do my friends. Was it because he felt I was more successful than he was in law enforcement? I don't know. That's what his friends and some of his family say.  Not that he wasn't outstanding, because he was an exemplary peace officer until he destroyed his career.

He didn't like the fact we were equals and he took it as a competition. I did not.

Running through a career like an overachiever and a bulldozer is just who I am. Ramrodder. Nobody likes those kind, except a prosecutor when  you bring them good cases and put away the bad guy.

I think it was too much.  I was also gone too much which had a factor on the marriage and being a good mother. He did not treat me right even before those days when I was just a mousy college graduate without a pot to piss in. This is all in the books and has been on the blog many times, so if you are a regular reader, this comes at no surprise.

It's been 6 years since I kicked him out. October 10. Magic date when I broke and could not take the bullshit. Although he told me on September 13, my birthday, he was done...he thought he was going to live in the house until the papers were final. Nope.

So who gives a shit? Not me. It's just a reflection on the past.

I am now Gladys Nightstone (street cred name)  or Gertrude Applebottom ( the name my child thinks I should go by)---a different person. She asked me how I could have told people I was Gladys when my name plate clearly had my real name. I told sometimes people would not even realize it and others would point it out.

BUG: What would you say when they saw your real name?

ME: I told them cops were the same as convenience store clerks or fast food helpers and used fake names because bad guys were always trying to threaten our family.

BUG: Mom, that is dumb.

ME: Bad guys are dumber. Besides, you have to have some fun in the world.

She giggled.

That was a long conversation today. Shortly thereafter she bolted to her room.

The room.

It's a crutch.

How do you take away a teenager's room?

I can't banish her to that place anymore. She likes it.

Do you think teenagers are smart enough for reverse psychology?

Perhaps I sent her there too much in the old days and now she is going to show me.

"Ryn & Son" is no longer a symbol of a family bond, it is a mother movement.

The problem is making up for lost time with the Bug. Many times I feel I am losing ground and the kid classifies me as the MOMster. We certainly aren't the Robertsons.

All I can do is keep plugging on.

One day, I will get her to like to be in the same room as I am for more than 13.58 minutes.

                                                            Photo credit: babble.com

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Dicktionary Challenge

Hellllerrrr~!   Warning---this is not a post my mother should read!

                                        Photo Credit: Fargo, titled-The Nose Knows

Tomorrow is double duty of workouts at work. Then church. Then run. It's overkill. The next day is rest. Let's see what happens to the old bones. Actually, I am looking forward to it. It's like I'm in training or 29.

In the meantime, I have learned some new near south words. Yes, it's the language of love. I am all about being fluent in several language. I seem to be excellent at street slang. I can really stump them. I'm also eloquent with some native tongues.

So without further ado...

feeshing: spelled f-i-s-h-i-n-g--the sport of using a rod and reel to catch a pond dweller mostly for a dinner entrée.

nutsacking: spelled n-u-t-s-a-c-k-i-n-g--(1)the sport of taking your opponent out by tackling and buttheading the nut area. (2) Any shot to the nut sack.

boe: spelled b-o-w-l--a round basin used as a container.

impour  rent: spelled i-m-p-o-r-t-a-n-t (one word)--of great significance like a redneck's dog, truck, or beer.

Let me tell you about a terrible story. I am ashamed. However,  if I say it out loud as a confession, I can then repent.

Bug was mouthy today after work and called her mother a bad word (butthead) twice after I banished her to her room to clean the pigsty whilst taking her phone away. I reacted just as my mother had back in 1979 and grabbed the fancy bar soap off the sink, proceeded to grab Bug and rub the soap in her mouth, making sure to get chunks on her teeth. I don't think it has as much effect as Kirk's Castle, the kind my mom used because it was lavender with poppy seed. If the cops come, I am totally saying it was just as good as frickin' desert. She responded to my actions:

BUG: Oh, good! Give me some more! I like soap! {giggle}

I did as was requested. She laughed again.

ME: Hold on! I will go get the bar soap from the shower that I used on my butt.

BUG: MOM!!!! [screeching and running] You can't do that! [stops running]Hey. You use liquid soap in the shower.

Later after she ate her desert soap and suffered in time out, she joined me downstairs to watch Dancing With The Stars.

ME: Oh. I don't like it. Too jerky. They are slow. They need to speed it up.

BUG: Mom! Shh. The judges like it.

ME: Well, what do they know? They tried to recruit me on the show as a judge but I had to turn them down. I had too many commitments.

BUG: Mom, that is not true. That is bull!

ME: CHILD! Words. Did you learn nothing upstairs? Must I don my soap again?

And even later, I was busy with a project.

BUG: Mom, what are you doing with that stuff?

ME: Oh, it's a prize from my blog. I am just waiting for a couple things and the package will be complete.

BUG: Is the person going to like those things?


Yes, Commchick is going to LURVE it!

Monday, October 20, 2014

Turn Up The HEAT

The HEAT is on...

I wonder what they call former cops? The FROST?

MARATHON REVAMP WEEK 1: This Monday is proving to be a test of the week to come. Marathon training has been turned up a notch and changed. Our schedule is off schedule or on a new schedule with a little shake up. Our coach says our plan was too routine. So now we threw in some random. I am also adding a couple evening workout classes since the Bug is finished with volleyball season. They won their county junior high tournament.

YAY, Bug!

In unrelated news, I learned some more near south words:

lidtard: spelled l-e-o-t-a-r-d, "a close-fitting one-piece garment, made of a stretchy fabric, that covers a person's body from the shoulders to the top of the thighs, worn by dancers or people exercising indoors" -Google dictionary

First, do you know how hard it is to track a conversation with someone inserting "lidtard"? I was like, What? What?...like a thousand times. She used it in a sentence so I couldn't ask for that context, but later had to phone a friend and have her describe the item. It was like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" charades. 

cinnamonamon: spelled c-i-n-n-a-m-o-n, " a spice". 

This word is frequently mispronounced in drawl states. 

buttes: spelled b-o-o-t-s: a type of footwear often worn by cowboys

I am convinced people that wear buttes are city slickers and have really, really strong legs.

drawl: spelled d-r-a-w, used differently than the last time. Used in a sentence: How do you drawl your gun fast? My response: Uh...I do not talk to my gun. Maybe you should watch Full Metal Jacket. 

Hollerween: spelled H-a-l-l-o-w-e-e-n, a secular holiday. I was really scared about this because I have learned folks in the near south believe Halloween is the devil's birthday or something. Most often it is condemned in many areas and amongst the Christian locals. I am not going to debate this as each to his own. However, when people start talking about Hollerween, I wondered if it was a yelling contest. When asked who I was going to be for Hollerween, I was like...I don't know? That yodeler girl from the Swiss Alps? I got frown lines from my audience. 

So, there you go. My Monday.